Solostring

I just found my Notes in FB and I just thought I’d share it here.  It’s my 7th anniversary post…

I can still remember the cold thursday night. The sky was clear and the humming sound of the air conditioning unit was the only noise in a small room some 30 storeys above the ground. I was waiting, thinking, reading and reading the terms that eventually changed my life. Before I finally sealed what was to become an anchor and a chain, a burden as well as a blessing to my existence, I made a final glance to the god knows how many pages of fine prints. I took a deep breath and the ink started to flow effortlessly as my fingers doodle my initials above my well written name. Almost out of breath, I touched my signature. I felt God’s blessing upon me. It felt like winning a lottery. I packed my bag and headed home with a brown envelope with my name printed in bold letters and the date that reads

OCTOBER 18, 2004

Seven years later, I find myself secretly browsing online searches for a new partner. After seven long years, I am giving up the thought of forever. We had disagreements, disappointments, frustrations as well as success and genuine happiness. My life has been you. You were the sun in my solar system. You became the chlorophyl to my leaves and food for my eternal hunger for learning and appreciation….In the end, you became the poison that is slowly eating every bit of sanity we have nurtured together.

It’s a Monday. I was suppose to be on a vacation. I asked for time to be with myself and renew my failing human body and yet here I am feeling all tired attempting to put myself to sleep. I need to get to work later. And I say where is justice? They force you to utilize all your leave credits and yet asks you so much that taking a time off would have been impossible.

And here is another annoying thing about someone in the management level. Not because your location started the whole business doesn’t mean other sites cannot and should not be better. Not all all the time!

All because my team’s leadership has no sense of pride I’m stuck in this pointless swapping of direct reports only to prove that “son of a witch” manager wrong! We have nothing to prove! He’s the one throwing accusations. He has the burden of truth!

After what about an hour of waiting! Without any hint of apology?!!!!

I’m not sure if this is, again, another round of retail therapy due to stress from work.

For the last couple of months, I’ve been lusting over iPhone and Samsung’s galaxy s2. Then Steve Jobs went to have his final rest. I dropped the thought of getting an iPhone. I started touching and playing with the galaxy s2…

…the 4.3” Gorilla glass display was so smooth and cool to touch.  It was flawless.  Everything that I’ve been looking for in a computing device was in a “huge” and uberly flat phone from Samsung.  I have never used a Samsung phone ever and yet I felt a connection between the Galaxy S II and my fingers.  I get this tingling sensation…the excitement of owning one…

…I started reading blogs, reviews and all that jazz! I found myself one Sunday afternoon, after a stressful shift, in a shop called MemoXpress holding a white Galaxy S II!

This is madness! I can’t be like this every time I get stressed out!

A couple of months ago I created a new blog to document my travels. I had my first flight to Cebu last Marc which I though would jumpstart my traveling feet. Unfortunately, it got stuck in the mud field of work, work and work. I didn’t even have the time to write about my first trip. I thought its all over.

May came and I found myself booking a flight to Tagbilaran City via Airphil Express. Then came August! It was time to fly! I literally fell in love with the island of Bohol that I wanted to stay there forever. The experience made me realize my love for traveling and the rebirth of my attempt to blog the places I’ve been regardless of the distance, the food I ate and the people met.

I have not been to a lot of places but my growng desire to travel, to wander and discover new things is what’s feeding my travel blog. Someday it will be filled with my adventures and misadventures.

Feel free to visit my travel blog. Trace your fingers to http://backpackinggeek.blogspot.com.

Almost seven years ago, I started being the family’s primary provider. Not that my parents has nothing to contribute but I am earning the biggest bulk in my family’s income. I did all I can to help my family. I thought it’s my way of returning the favor for helping me earn a degree. Besides, it’s the filipino tradition for the eldest to help out.

A couple of months ago my youngest sibling earned her degree in Nursing and is now waiting for the result of the board exam for nurses. She is the last of the two siblings i had to send to school.

Last monday I “celebrated” my 28th anniversary of my existence in this world. I thought this time I will be able to celebrate my it with the entire family. Swamped with a lot of work, I decided to return home to be with the family. I arrived home hoping that my family would be happy that I decided to spend my birthday with them. I was wrong. On the eve of my day when I arrived home my dad was as joyful as ever. He’s the kind of person who would always appreciate all the good things you hand him over with. I love my dad despite all the beatings I have to go through when I was young. As I grew older I have understood what those beatings were for. Tough love from a silent man. On the other hand my mom is the total opposite of my dad. You can say she’s the voice of the family. When I say “voice”, I mean screaming voice. Recalling the tears from my younger years, they were borne most from my mother’s words more than my dad’s leather belt and stick. Really, my dad’s strikes were painful and yet it heals easily. My mom’s words felt like stabs that cut through the bones. It heals a lot longer and while it does, it leaves scars, deep ones. Why am I bringing this up in this post? I got my birthday present from my mom—Silent treatment.  While I was at home, she never said a word. We never spoke.

I have a strong feeling why my mom is acting such.  I remembered the last conversation we had before I left for Makati [the last time I went home].  She was asking for financial assistance for her goiter operation.  I did not give her any at the time because honestly, I don’t have such amount on hand nor something that I can dispose of right away.  I was planning to file for salary loan from SSS to finance her operation.  I was honest in letting her know of such plan.  I guess she wasn’t thrilled that I have nothing to hand her right then and there.  What am I suppose to do? I’m not actually picking cash in Makati.  I drag my ass on a nightly basis to listen to crappy calls [mostly], coach challenging agents and deal with sh**ty management to earn income that rarely stay in my pocket…

My mom’s operation went well.  It’s what I heard from my sister.  We still haven’t had the opportunity to talk.  I guess the operation had made her unable to speak for a while. But she has not reached out in any way possible either.  She could have sent me an SMS or something.  I guess she doesn’t have any plans of talking or engaging in any for of conversation with me.  I’m sort of busy and might not go home in the province for a while.  I want to let things cool and see what happens. After all, I have a lot in my plate to be thinking of going home even for a short vacation.  

I’m almost thirty and I am still bound by family ties.  Sometimes it helps that I am away.  Let them find their ways without me in the forefront. I’ll be in the background for a change. I will be there to support…

I wrote a letter to ask for your permission to try moving to a new program.  I mustered all the courage, energy, emotion and I wrote it with honesty and of pure intention.  I read and re-read every word to make sure that my intention will not be misunderstood. The least you could do was to reciprocate and respond in writing whatever it is that you have to say.  But you chose to have someone talk to me about it instead.  You opted to send a messenger to deliver your piece. How sure are you that they gave justice to it?

I was ready for the bad news.  No matter how high my hopes were, I knew that the chances were slim.  We talked about it the last time we were on the phone discussing options. Why did I trouble myself writing? Maybe because I wanted to see about passing through that slim chance I have.  If it fails, like what I eventually found out, I knew for a fact that I tried and I wouldn’t wonder what could have happened if I didn’t.

Gathering what was relayed to me, you preferred to send a message rather than responding in writing because you didn’t want to be misunderstood. Well let me give you a feedback.  Let’s see if I took your message the way you intended it to be…

[1] There was an issue with me asking for permission to move because someone else we both know already asked a similar if not identical request. You do not want to cause alarm to the general population as a result of two consecutive instances of moving out.  My take? You doubted my ability to handle confidential matters. Integrity is one of the values I treasure.  I know when to keep things to myself.

[2] You asked me to wait for a month before trying to asked for it. Waiting is not a problem.  I can wait.  Have you asked yourself why I am requesting to be transferred now?  Surprise! Because there is an opportunity dangling right before my eyes! What am I suppose to do? Ask the “dangling opportunity” to wait for a month? It doesn’t make sense! Does it? Enlighten me, please!

I am disappointed.  My high hopes fell and I’m picking all the pieces. But more than being rejected I am sad because I did not get the same sense of professionalism I was expecting from someone in your position. I am deeply saddened by the way you handled my request.  Honestly, I was expecting something better…

Love and being in a relationship was not in my To-Do list back in 2004. I was busy looking for a job. I was building my castle and my kingdom when you came along. You showed me what life and all it’s ups and downs are. You were my guiding star, my guardian angel…

I was too young (at least in the matters of the heart) then to realize what is going on. I failed to see what you mean whenever you showed real care for me. I missed it because love was not in my vocabulary. I was too busy with myself and my dreams. So we drifted apart. It was too late when I realized that it was love. I tried to catch up but has failed miserably…I cried…I mourned for that lost love…

Four years…It took four years for my tears to finally wash away the hurting feeling and to learn to forgive myself for letting you go. I have finally moved on. I was happy.Ready to fall in love again. This time equipped with all the lessons my first heartbreak has taught me. Seven years later while I was busy catching deadlines you came up on IM and asked me how I am. My busy timeline froze and I felt the cold stab me straight to the heart. It hurt so bad I couldn’t even move a finger to say anything…Finally after a few days, I had the courage to strike the keys and say “you must have the wrong YM id…Then you were gone.

Early today I was cleaning my mailbox and found some pretty old emails. Funny they were still here after such a long time. I wonder if it means something. Could be nothing…I found our email exchange and it has brought all the memories. It somehow made the wound feel fresh and hurts even more than the time when I first felt it…Just when I though I have gotten over you, a simple reminder ignited all feelings…good and bad! And it made my heart ache more as it longs for your return while it also repulses it…

Funny…I was browsing online when I came across this ad by the Arthritis Foundation. The big red caption stated

Moving is the best medicine

It doesn’t mean anything. It’s harmless. It was only suggesting that the best way to relieve one’s arthritis pain is by moving.  When I read the ad it got me somewhere far from arthritis but close to the heart. Yep!  2011 has a stressful beginning.  I got burned out at work. It seems to me that moving really is the best medicine. Ironically, the account I am working on will be moving—moving to the Rockwell Business Center (the stress is on the commute).  More than the physical movement, is the transfer of company.  I intended to move to another company because of this movement. Grammar or no grammar, “move” has been the most abused word in our circle lately.

After being burned out from work I decided to change some things in my life. I decided to be happy.

May is a new month…it has to be! I will travel again, I will see some sights, taste the world, just like what I said I will do back in March…

You can’t imagine how stressfull this year has stared and it doesn’t seem to stop. February is just about to close and it’s getting tougher and tougher everyday. From the targets at home to the tasks that needs to be acomplished piles up like a dirty dishes in a fully packed diner!

Just before our brains get toasted by demanding bosses we grabbed the cheapest tickets we can get online to retreat somewhere in the south. W are all hyped by the upcoming tour down the Queen City of the South-Cebu!!!!

Like what I posted I posted in facebook, January really burned me…stress has taken its toll on me. I’ve worked so hard I was almost spent. January 31st got me working for 16 hours just to catch up with the deadlines…

February started with an obvious ignition. The new situation where we have to be flexible. And when they say flexible it means to stretch yourself too thin that you almost coe to the point of snapping…Really, I’m almost at the snapping point. I am abouto breakdown. So before that happens, I am rebooting myself. I tried resetting but it didn’t work out. Apparently, I have to reboot. Everything has to start again from scratch. I need this or I will find myself trapped in a bigger shit hole than where I am at now.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week, a week of a progressing heat in the furnace that keeps the train running. Yes, we are the fire that keeps the fucking train running…

This is freaking insane! Ang tagal ko nagmukhang tanga sa labas ng barber shop! For what? For free wi-fi?! I am one hell of a crazy one!

Yesterday was food and beer day at Joah’s crib.  We had fun because this week is going to be a tough one.  It’s gonna drive wits out of our brains.  It’s gonna toast all the nerve and brain cells that we have.  Work is driving us mad.  

With all the stress and all the things that I gotta do this week, I am going crazy.  So to stop myself from doing crazy things I decided to do the craziest today.  I got myself an iPad. Yep! I got myself an iPad.  It’s my diversion.  I need to get distracted from the hell that is work.

It’s almost the end of the week. ‘tis week two of 2011. It’s two years since the last time I rememembered waiting for the light to change.  Here I am again, on the very same spot hoping, praying that the light would change soon.  I don’t mind the color but I sincerely pray for change.

photo: From : fematrailer.blogspot.com

After almost a month of “responsible splurging” as Joah coined, the journey ended at Starbucks-Insular Life Building. Joah and I had “what else?” Toffee Nut Latte grande.

Along with the cup of our favorite holiday drink I was holding my  very own 2011 limited edition planner. It was the only thing good that happened that day. Yes, aside from the fact that it was a manic Monday I had one of my worst interviews in my entire career.  It was really a disaster.  

Feeling down and negative the whole day, Joah asked me to have coffee. So we headed for the nearest Starbucks Coffee and had our happy drink! :) along with it I got the 16th and 17th stickers for my 2011 Planner journey. 

Thanks to Joah I’d be a proud owner of the 2011 Starbucks Planer in a few days.  I’d have coffee later.  And we’ll have the last trip for this journey to Starbucks for the year…maybe.